I Hope You Never Understand
Late last week I felt a thickening of my left breast tissue. A small but noticeable lumpy bit that just managed to get more painful the more I poked and played with it. I made an unscheduled visit to my doctor, followed by a lengthy mammogram, and ultrasound. At least some relief was given to me at the appointment and although nothing was found in the left breast a fibroadenoma was found in the right. This will require some monitoring due to my history and genetics as Lynch Syndrome also carries a slighter higher risk of breast cancer. Yet another reminder that no matter how positive I am, how healthy I live, how self aware and #ultraspiritual I feel there are just some things that I cannot control. It doesn’t seem to matter if I’m a good person , a bad person or something in between. Sometimes shit just happens.
Having gone through an enormous life changing experience in 2011 I know I have grown and changed in so many ways. My family is the most precious gift I have. Watching my children grow up is such a blessing that many of my cancer friends will never get. Every year that ticks past, and every photo that I can get with Santa fills my heart with so much gratitude. I have focused and continue to develop in my craft and work at it every day. My art has been at the forefront of my ability to heal, help and express myself. I also devote my time to helping others to connect and give a platform to so many out there that also live life without a stomach. I have used the last 4 ½ years positively, productively and creatively in the hope to better understand myself and what I have to offer the world.
My ability to discern which relationships I allow into my life is extremely important and anything I feel is toxic just has to go, no question. When you are sitting in a doctors office waiting for test results you are not thinking about what the mums at school are saying, or what sale you might be missing out on. You are worried about your kids, your husband, yourself . You worry about how you and your family are going to cope. How you are going to stay positive? How you are going to get through this? You ponder on the what ifs, no matter how hard you try not to. The anxiety and anticipation of an outcome you cannot control is the scariest thing you can possibly imagine. It shakes you to your very core and nothing else matters to you accept those that are close to your heart.
I feel like I am continuously being grounded and reminded of what matters most. As much as I can appreciate the experience from a spiritual awakening sense, from a human perspective it is absolutely exhausting. And this isn’t just a little bump in the road, I have to live like this for the rest of my life. I have been reminded this week that no matter how much I put the cancer behind me there is always, always going to be a percentage of it on my mind. Every lump, every blood test, every scan brings another wave of anxiety that unless you have experienced it, you can never possibly understand it.
“ Why wear a dress if it doesn’t fit you anymore? Of course you might put up with it for a while but you will eventually get to a point where you think “I need to let that go that, it doesn’t fit me anymore”. Nothing has changed with the dress, it’s exactly the same as when you first purchased it. Its you that’s changed.
If you were once a part of my life and are no longer then it’s nothing personal. Seriously, it’s got nothing to do with you, it just means that you are no longer a reflection of me. Why wear a dress if it doesn’t fit you anymore? Of course you might put up with it for a while but you will eventually get to a point where you think “I need to let that go that, it doesn’t fit me anymore”. Nothing has changed with the dress, it’s exactly the same as when you first purchased it. It’s you that’s changed. We all have our light bulb moments, the ones that put our lives into perspective. Well, my life seems to be one massive light bulb! Your perspective on life is based on your own personal experiences, your truth, your belief systems and I respect that, but it also means my experiences have evolved me to a point where I have outgrown you. It doesn’t mean I think I am better than you, it just means that I am very selective about who I allow into my life and the energy they bring. I truly hope you never understand, but if one day you do then you might appreciate just a taste of what its like walking in my shoes.