Fifteen years ago I became a mum. I left the workforce and became a full time stay at home parent. Still wanting to keep my mind active I studied to become a swimming teacher but ended up paying more out in childcare fees than my actual wage. When my second baby arrived I decided to put my work life on hold until he was a little more independent. That was 11 years ago. When my youngest was heading off to four year old kindergarten I thought great, now I can get back into work and start contributing to the household finances, then I was diagnosed with cancer. That was 7 years ago.
Over the last seven years I have worked a casual job which ended rather abruptly after I had a dumping episode. Unfortunately a side effect of living without a stomach and a boss who was not willing to compromise. I’ve also done contract work but the pay and the hour and 20 minute round trip wasn’t even covering my petrol. Don’t get me wrong, there have been plenty of pluses. I get to stay at home, attend children’s events at school, dont have to compromise my boss if any of the kids are home sick, volunteer my time to the school community, eat when I want, rest when I want, go out when I want and work on my art portfolio. Its like being on one big holiday only there is no sightseeing or spending money and you have to motivate yourself to get out of bed every single day.
Sacrificing all the things that come with working full time and being able to up skill in the creative sense has been the most selfish and fulfilling part of being at home. Launching a website and Page on Facebook, doing commissioned art pieces for people all over the world. Pushing myself on a daily basis to be better, to be more visible, to extend my experiences into meditation classes, art classes, craft workshops. Advertising, daily posts, sticking flyers up around local shops. Expand, expand, expand, doing what I love in the hope that I can not only help others but give my family the financial freedom we so desire. Here I am nearly eight years down the track and I feel like a bit of a failure. I am so tired. So tired of trying to balance my health, my family, my support page and my business. So tired of feeling guilty for not being able to financially contribute to the family income, so tired of feeling I am not where I thought I would be. Watching others around me so motivated, meditating daily for blasts of inspiring feel good posts, feeling into the rhythm of the universe and working with the cycles of the moon, bla bla bla, plastering positivity all over their social media, watching friends who have their shit together and feeling I could be doing more, I should be doing more, I need to be seeing and being more. But I can’t because I am SO TIRED of trying and failing. Seriously, there are only so many times you can pick yourself up before you have to stop and reevaluate your entire life and the current direction you are facing. And now a quiet pause…….
“Hey Spirit, here is your opportunity to send that big bolt of
lightening I have been waiting for.”
I can understand why so many amazing Artists simply give up trying to make a living from their Art. I really wanted to be the exception. After all I am a walking miracle and by all accounts I shouldn’t be alive right now. Should’nt that mean something? Didn’t God let me live so that I could see out a much greater purpose? I thought I’d been grasping life by the big kahunas to create the successful abundant life I deserve, but I haven’t succeeded and being granted a second chance at life doesn’t make me special, it just makes me extremely lucky. My life holds no more value than anyone else’s. My experiences certainly make me look at life with a different perspective and I always look for every possibility. If I didn’t I could possibly be the most miserable person on the planet. Here’s a depiction of me looking miserable with a pair of useless big kahunas.
Is there a part of me that has had a sense of entitlement that because I survived that makes me somehow special? Reality check …… I think there might have been. My shadow just got a big slap in face and knows this is a complete fabrication to cover up any insecurities and fear around lack and acceptance. Getting through cancer doesn’t make me special, it makes me a liability. Lets face it letting a few organs go is going to compromise a lot of things and those that say it was a small price to pay to survive, well lets just say that comment is not helpful. They have absolutely no comprehension what price I have had to pay and continue to pay for everyday of my life. I simply do not have the capacity to work full time anymore. I don’t even know how I will cope part time. If I disclose the reasons for the gap in my of employment then I can almost guarantee that no matter how experienced I am or how much of a kind competent person I maybe, my resume will be cast aside quicker than yesterday’s newspaper. Let’s just look at the term cast aside for a moment. Abandoned, unwanted, undervalued, overlooked, ignored, forgotten, unused, depreciated, declined, passed over. Ever fiber in my being fights these words every single day, consciously and unconsciously. PTSD is very real in my world and it comes out in various ways, some of them extremely healing and creative and some not so constructive.
What does success look like anyway?
A large social media following? – These people probably have no time for anything else or they have lots of people working for them so stop comparing.
A healthy bank account? – Who doesn’t want an endless supply of cash but think about all of the things that are sacrificed in order to have this, including being with the most important people in your life.
A balanced body? – This is hard work in every sense of the word.
A great job? – Whats that? Unless you are extremely fortunate to love what you do or work for yourself in which case there are also big sacrifices.
Holidays? – That was nice for all of three seconds, now go chain yourself back to your desk in a job you hate with people you don’t really like but have to tolerate so you can save up for your next holiday.
Healthy relationships? – Saying no, creating boundaries, letting toxic people go no matter how much it hurts – did I also mention hard work.
Lots of friends? – The more friends you have the more drama you are likely to be pulled into – keep your circle small.
OR
Just the fact that you have somewhere soft and warm to sleep with food in your cupboards? – Some may call that gratitude others might call that living in survival energy. Either way it’s all a matter of perspective.
I am also under no illusion that what people post is what they want you to see. Most people do not want other people to see that they are not coping, that their marriage is falling apart, that they cant afford to feed themselves, there are bills on the fridge they cant pay, that their health is failing, that their job is taking a mental and physical toll on their well-being and that life can sometimes be really tough. A beautiful made up face and cute baby photos do not equate to a good sleep and a well adjusted baby! All the misconceptions and in-authenticity out there in social media land causes a ripple of self doubt and anxiety that we all should be more that what we are or what we are capable of achieving. One big Snap chat filter so the world never has to see the real us. Even the most positive posts can be full of falseness and fishing for more likes or comments. Ive seen it happen in groups where people strategically reply over several days to comments on posts to bring their post back up to the top of the page for more exposure. It happens and these people are sprinkling spirituality out of their calculating fingertips. Sometimes I cant work out if I admire their enterprising genius or despise their disingenuous. Like it or not social media is such an integrated part of our daily lives that it plays a part in what I consider part of my success and some days like today I am just as messed up as the next person.
As I approach my eight year cancer free I am also contemplating what the future holds for me. But for today I do nothing but write as my head hurts from projecting, my heart aches from my past failures, my body is completely and utterly exhausted and my soul is so so tired. I know this shall pass and when the waves of emotion retreat I will have found another spark of inspiration from God knows where and a renewed sense of hope for better more abundant days to come. If there is one thing I love about me its the fact that I can recognize when I need to stop, retreat and give myself the time to reinvent myself. Kind of like Madonna but without her bank account!
When life gives you lemons, you say F?@k lemonade. Then google every single recipe you can using lemons!
Most of us make life so complicated, like a pressure cooker of expectations all thrown together in a massive soup of exhaustion and stress. Then all of a sudden, your body screams STOP and you have no choice because the Universe does it for you.
If you have ever been through a cancer journey, then you would understand the weight of getting through another year.I rarely announce it anymore, because those that don’t understand may look at the celebration as an opportunity of glorifying my own self-importance.Lots of people get through cancer right? Just get over it already.Quoting Kerwin Rae ‘ Your problems don’t make you special because everyone’s got them.’ *BTW actually a really good article. The problem is, this is not like a cold or flu.You don’t just get over cancer and get on with life like it never happened.
The fall out from my surgery has been huge, more than anyone around me can appreciate let alone understand.Not only did I discover that I carry a genetic predisposition for gastrointestinal cancers, I have gone ahead and had preventative surgery to eliminate some of them.Do you know how many organs the human body can live without? I certainly do because I’m missing quite a few of them.
I never thought that becoming a Light-worker would be quite so literal.I joke about being a pure chancel of light and that the only thing they cannot surgically remove is my sense of humor.I even like to tell people if I was abducted by aliens they would transport me back thinking they’d accidentally picked up one of their own!
So lets fast forward to 2018. This was the first year in 7 years (colonoscopy/endoscopy excluded) that I did not have to go under any major anesthetics.I managed to keep all my organs and only lost a few nasty polyps, good riddance to those.Then in November I started to develop tinnitus. A constant ringing in my ears that would drive anyone crazy.One night I went to bed and the ON switch in my brain got stuck.
If there is one thing that my cancer and gastrectomy taught me it was to be my own advocate.To be aware that there are many options out there to try and to never give up if one thing doesn’t work.Even when the experts in the field tell you ‘There is nothing further we can do, go home and learn to live with it.’ I consider myself a walking miracle so if I can find my way through to a solution then I will do everything I can to find it.I have become a seeker.
Not all questions can be answered with Western medical solutions and other times we have to wait for technology to catch up.In the meantime, it is important to find new ways of being.If this new condition has taught me anything it is that I really need to look after myself more.Its like a forced holiday but with self-care. I now sleep with BOSS Sleep buds.An expensive but necessary part of keeping my sanity.I have been meditating, soaking my feet in epson salts, fine tuning my supplements and giving myself time to ground my feet in the Earth and sit in nature.
Being your own best advocate also means being pro-active.Go to the doctor, have all the required tests.Anxiety and PTSD in cancer patients can take an enormous toll on your mental health and well-being.To many sleepless nights and I know I am unable to function as a human being. Seek help where you need it but do not look to others for the answers.Sometimes its about listening to your own inner voice and following your intuition.
Remembering each experience, good or bad is just an experience.If you can learn what works for you then you can share your findings with others.Sometimes just having one person who understands you can make all the difference in the world.
I do not understand why this is happening to me now, but I can tell you it is making me step out of my comfort zone and forcing me to seek out new and different things.It is hard work, annoying, frustrating and uncomfortable because I like routine, organization and knowing what tomorrow is going to bring.I’m not going to lie, when this first started it completely sucked the sparkle out of me and I just managed to grab hold before I went into an uncontrolled tail spin of depression.
I have to remind myself that every time I am forced to jump in feet first I learn something incredibly new about myself.As Gabby Bernstein suggests there are many moments where obstacles are opportunities to see things differently and I choose to see this as a detour in the right direction.
I was a normal six year old girl enjoying a carefree life, laughing with my friends, and starting my second year at primary school. I was Daddy’s little princess and my life literally changed overnight. My childhood was ripped away from me and the harsh reality of Dad’s death stole my innocence. It all seemed to happen so fast — my tiny little head did not have time to take in the reality of it all. Having been diagnosed in December of 1977 with a secondary bowel cancer, my Dad died four months later at the age of 36 in April 1978. After my Dad’s death, I was thrown into a world of grief; I no longer had my Dad to comfort and to hug me. I no longer had my Dad to read me bedtime stories, to tuck me into bed at night, to praise me after my ballet concerts, or to hold my little hand when we went for a walk. Unbeknownst to me at the time, my Dad had Lynch syndrome.
Experiencing the death of a parent at a young age is certainly a character building experience and can be the catalyst for a young girl to develop “daddy issues”. These daddy issues manifested themselves in the form of manipulation and promiscuous behaviors during my teenage years. I sought father figures in all my male relationships throughout my twenties, which only led to broken partnerships and a failed marriage. Independence was my armor and I gave power to the masculine side of myself and not necessarily in a healthy or productive way. I consciously quelled the very essence of my feminine side down. I feared I was weak, could easily be hurt, and was vulnerable — I was a survivor who needed to be in control.
My second marriage came with its own set of challenges. Despite our backgrounds and former spouses, our union seemed strong but after ten years of financial pressure, challenging teenage stepchildren and two babies of our own I had started seeking a way out. I began with riding my bike taking every opportunity to escape. I had commenced self-development class once a week in the hope of rediscovering myself, picked up a part-time job, which got me out of the house mainly at nights and on weekends because blended family time was finally taking its toll. I just couldn’t do it anymore. It broke my heart to be despised in my own home every fortnight; I was at a complete loss. The environment around me was becoming so toxic and I didn’t know how to fix it. If I really wanted to self sabotage my life the Universe was about to give me a permanent way out if I chose to accept it.
You know when you just know certain things? Well, my intuition knew that I had cancer even before the doctor’s appointment. My husband and I went up to the mountains and sat quietly in a little tea house. We held hands, cried and made a promise to each other that no matter what the diagnosis we would get through it together. We walked to a small gift shop and I was drawn to purchase a beautiful aquamarine pendant. I didn’t know at the time but the benefit of using this crystal is that it aids you to let go of emotional issues from your past that you have been holding on to. When I paid for the pendant we started talking to the owner of the shop, she just happened to ask what my star sign was. When the word “Cancer” fell out of my mouth I just knew the heaviness in my heart was a fear I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to face. It wasn’t just my star sign, that same afternoon my doctor confirmed I had stomach cancer.
During treatment and surgery something beautiful happened. That little girl that lost her Father resurfaced. She finally had an opportunity to grieve the loss of her Dad. She looked into her own children’s eyes at night and felt the heartache her Dad must have felt, knowing he was not going to see her grow up. She had time to sit on the floor and play with her boys. She had to hand all the masculine stuff over to her husband from the running of the house to the organising of everyone’s life. She only had one job – to get her adult self well so she could love and guide her little boys into men. The cancer diagnosis exposed the my feminine side that had been so carefully hidden high in my subconscious for so long, had finally re-emerged, and spilled back over into my life.
I took my power back, faced my own mortality, beat the statistics, and chose to live a life of self awareness. My feminine side was not to be feared. She is kind, nurturing, creative, healing, and most of all incredibly powerful. Allowing the creative side of myself to explore my emotions through art was my modality for healing during my illness. Painting was my passion prior to my illness but the work I was starting to produce began surprising me.
Yes, I have Lynch syndrome, but it does not take over every thought of every minute of my life. I am not my genes and I am most certainly not the cancer. I have used the experience to empower my life and to make a difference. I count, I am a survivor but I am also a creator, a healer, a mother and a wife. I am grateful for the knowledge of my genetics because I can now be a proactive, a happier person who doesn’t sit in drama or sweat the small stuff. My perspective and ability to bring hope and healing to others through my experience and my artwork has changed my life. The cancer and the Lynch syndrome diagnosis have opened my eyes, saved my marriage and awakened me to possibilities far beyond anything I could have ever imagined.
Self prescribing vitamins., I’ve been doing it for years. After my stomach cancer and subsequent surgery, I was thrown into a world of supplements and nutritional deficiencies that carry lifelong consequences if I don’t keep on top on things. Fortunately for me I have blood tests every three months so I can see how most levels are going. To stay at my optimum every day I religiously down at least 20 vitamin tablets, ½ aspirin and an antibiotic and occasionally throw a few other things in depending on my blood test results. I don’t do this willy nilly, I do a fair bit of homework on what will work for me, what I’m already taking and speak to professionals in their field to gauge if my homework reflects their professional option. This helps me make educated choices but even so I still don’t know if I’m getting it right. I can only go on how I look, feel and how my body is responding to life. People in my situation are left in a very vulnerable position when it comes to wanting to take care of ourselves and we have to be wary of those who seek to take advantage of that.
I am raising this topic today because I can’t help but feel really upset and angry at myself at a situation that happened to me earlier in the year. It was recommended to me that I seek out the help of an Integrative Medical Naturopath. This is a person who understands western medical practices and can incorporate both medical and naturopathic medicine for the best possible outcome. As I am not about to leave the comfort of my own home to live naked, eat organic and grow hairy armpits in the rainforests of Brazil, I thought ‘Perfect this is exactly what I have been looking for’. This person was highly recommended to me by a couple of people so I sent an email entailing my situation and made an appointment.
Let me start by saying, this person is AMAZING. She was extremely professional and certainly knows her stuff. She was all about what I could do moving forward and being proactive with my health and how we could monitor my funky cancer genes. She gave me a few things to try and this ended the consultation. I made a follow up appointment, go to pay and OUCH $270.30!!! First consultation fees and very little back with my private health (not to mention a 35 minute drive from my house) made for a very expensive round trip. Second consult, just as good as the first one. I had handed over my supplement sheet, medical records and blood tests in my previous consult and she had gone away to do her analysis. More encouraging outcomes and a prescription that needed to be filled by a Compounding Pharmacy. (Pharmacy compounding is an established tradition which allows a physician to prescribe a very specific medication, prepared by a pharmacist, for a patient’s individual needs.) End consultation, make follow up appointment, go to pay….still ouch $129.00 but not quite as bad this time.
A few weeks had gone by and I was following up the prescription with the Pharmacy, turns out one of the ingredients was obviously coming from the arse of a Lama which was sitting on the top of Mount Kanchenjunga in Nepal. So I waited a few more days and then they called to tell me it was ready. The conversation went something like this…. (names have been changed so I don’t get sued!) Them – ‘Hello, this is Tina from ABC Pharmacy, I am calling to tell you your prescription is ready’ Me – ‘Oh, great how much is it?’
Them – ‘$379.40’
Me –
Me – ‘Sorry, was that $379.40 cents?’
Them – ‘Yes, extra if you want delivery’
Me – (nervous giggle) ‘Gee I hope that is a month’s supply’
Them – ‘No this is for one week’
Me –
Me – ‘Well I guess I have to pay for that (as you have already sent a small slave child up a big mountain to collect the droppings of a Lama) . I just want to tell you that I am extremely surprised and really disappointed that I have to pay this amount. We are a one income family and this is ridiculous. I should have been warned it was going to cost this much.’
Them – ‘Yes, some of the ingredients (mainly the stuff from the arse of that Lama ) in your prescription were very expensive. Best you speak to your naturopath.’
Me – ‘Yes, thanks I will do that’. (Reluctantly handed over Visa details and address)
END CONVERSATION
I got off the phone and apart from being in absolute shock, I was totally devastated. How was I going to explain to my husband that this magic gold dust was going to do everything that I needed in order for me to stay cancer free and see my little boys turn into men.I did indeed call and speak to my ‘Integrative Medical Naturopath’ and clearly explained our financial situation.(Just for the record I already consume approximately $200 worth of vitamin and nutritional supplements a month, just add the gold dust of $379.40 a week, her consultation fee and seriously no one in their right mind could afford this, let alone a one income family) She apologized and said she wasn’t aware that it was going to cost that much. As much as I wanted to believe her I figured if you do this every day and it is your profession I’m going to have to call ‘Bullshit’.
That night I sat and cried, a lot. There was a massive assumption that we could afford anything that was prescribed to me. There was no upfront explanation that some or all of my medication was extremely expensive. You almost get pushed into a corner and feel obligated that you must follow this path in order to live a healthy life. Cost seemed to be an afterthought to them. Of course there was no way we could continue to do this and I felt let down, angry and frustrated with the entire situation. Here I am, wanting to take the best possible care of myself and in my opinion I had been manipulated. My question of cost during the consultation was met with ‘I’m not sure about that, but it will be around $150’. I’m not sure who I was more mad at, me for feeling guilty that I couldn’t afford medication for my health and wellbeing, the government for not supporting and supplementing natural medicine, the naturopath for charging too much and under quoting my costs, the pharmacy for overcharging, or the Lama! Mostly I was just sad because I felt this avenue was no longer an option for me because we weren’t in a financial position to pay for everything.
I continue to search for complementary medicine and do self development and spiritual work on a daily basis.I understand that this body is my vehicle to get me through this lifetime, I need to take care of it the best way I can. If there is one thing I have learned through this experience it is not to put all your eggs in one basket. I have a great team of medical and alternate support people around me. Don’t get discouraged by one set back, life is full of other opportunities you just have to make the choice to go out and look for them. I must say Brazil’s looking pretty good!
The Artist
Michelle Potter is an Intuitive Artist, Reiki Master, Workshop Facilitator and Sacred Space Holder, based in Melbourne, Australia.
