When Life Gives You Lemons

When Life Gives You Lemons

by | Jul 3, 2019 | Cancer, Life Lessons, Stomach Cancer

Fifteen years ago I became a mum. I left the workforce and became a full time stay at home parent. Still wanting to keep my mind active I studied to become a swimming teacher but ended up paying more out in childcare fees than my actual wage. When my second baby arrived I decided to put my work life on hold until he was a little more independent. That was 11 years ago. When my youngest was heading off to four year old kindergarten I thought great, now I can get back into work and start contributing to the household finances, then I was diagnosed with cancer. That was 7 years ago.

Over the last seven years I have worked a casual job which ended rather abruptly after I had a dumping episode. Unfortunately a side effect of living without a stomach and a boss who was not willing to compromise. I’ve also done contract work but the pay and the hour and 20 minute round trip wasn’t even covering my petrol.  Don’t get me wrong, there have been plenty of pluses.  I get to stay at home, attend children’s events at school, dont have to compromise my boss if any of the kids are home sick, volunteer my time to the school community, eat when I want, rest when I want, go out when I want and work on my art portfolio. Its like being on one big holiday only there is no sightseeing or spending money and you have to motivate yourself to get out of bed every single day.

Sacrificing all the things that come with working full time and being able to up skill in the creative sense has been the most selfish and fulfilling part of being at home. Launching a website and Page on Facebook, doing commissioned art pieces for people all over the world. Pushing myself on a daily basis to be better, to be more visible, to extend my experiences into meditation classes, art classes, craft workshops. Advertising, daily posts, sticking flyers up around local shops. Expand, expand, expand, doing what I love in the hope that I can not only help others but give my family the financial freedom we so desire.  Here I am nearly eight years down the track and I feel like a bit of a failure. I am so tired. So tired of trying to balance my health, my family, my support page and my business. So tired of feeling guilty for not being able to financially contribute to the family income, so tired of feeling I am not where I thought I would be.  Watching others around me so motivated, meditating daily for blasts of inspiring feel good posts, feeling into the rhythm of the universe and working with the cycles of the moon, bla bla bla, plastering positivity all over their social media, watching friends who have their shit together and feeling I could be doing more,  I should be doing more, I need to be seeing and being more.  But I can’t because I am SO TIRED of trying and failing.  Seriously, there are only so many times you can pick yourself up before you have to stop and reevaluate your entire life and the current direction you are facing. And now a quiet pause…….

“Hey Spirit, here is your opportunity to send that big bolt of 
lightening I have been waiting for.” 

I can understand why so many amazing Artists simply give up trying to make a living from their Art. I really wanted to be the exception. After all I am a walking miracle and by all accounts I shouldn’t be alive right now. Should’nt that mean something? Didn’t God let me live so that I could see out a much greater purpose? I thought I’d been grasping life by the big kahunas to create the successful abundant life I deserve, but I haven’t succeeded and being granted a second chance at life doesn’t make me special, it just makes me extremely lucky.  My life holds no more value than anyone else’s. My experiences certainly make me look at life with a different perspective and I always look for every possibility.  If I didn’t I could possibly be the most miserable person on the planet.  Here’s a depiction of me looking miserable with a pair of useless big kahunas.

Is there a part of me that has had a sense of entitlement that because I survived that makes me somehow special? Reality check …… I think there might have been.  My shadow just got a big slap in face and knows this is a complete fabrication to cover up any insecurities and fear around lack and acceptance. Getting through cancer doesn’t make me special, it makes me a liability.  Lets face it letting a few organs go is going to compromise a lot of things and those that say it was a small price to pay to survive, well lets just say that comment is not helpful. They have absolutely no comprehension what price I have had to pay and continue to pay for everyday of my life.  I simply do not have the capacity to work full time anymore. I don’t even know how I will cope part time. If I disclose the reasons for the gap in my of employment then I can almost guarantee that no matter how experienced I am or how much of a kind competent person I maybe, my resume will be cast aside quicker than yesterday’s newspaper.  Let’s just look at the term cast aside for a moment. Abandoned, unwanted, undervalued, overlooked, ignored, forgotten, unused, depreciated, declined, passed over. Ever fiber in my being fights these words every single day, consciously and unconsciously.  PTSD is very real in my world and it comes out in various ways, some of them extremely healing and creative and some not so constructive.

What does success look like anyway?
A large social media following? –  These people probably have no time for anything else or they have lots of people working for them so stop comparing.
A healthy bank account? –  Who doesn’t want an endless supply of cash but think about all of the things that are sacrificed in order to have this, including being with the most important people in your life.
A balanced body? –  This is hard work in every sense of the word.
A great job?  – Whats that? Unless you are extremely fortunate to love what you do or work for yourself in which case there are also big sacrifices.
Holidays? – That was nice for all of three seconds, now go chain yourself back to your desk in a job you hate with people you don’t really like but have to tolerate so you can save up for your next holiday.
Healthy relationships? –  Saying no, creating boundaries, letting toxic people go no matter how much it hurts – did I also mention hard work.
Lots of friends? – The more friends you have the more drama you are likely to be pulled into – keep your circle small.
OR
Just the fact that you have somewhere soft and warm to sleep with food in your cupboards? – Some may call that gratitude others might call that living in survival energy. Either way it’s all a matter of perspective.

I am also under no illusion that what people post is what they want you to see.  Most people do not  want other people to see that they are not coping, that their marriage is falling apart, that they cant afford to feed themselves, there are bills on the fridge they cant pay, that their health is failing, that their job is taking a mental and physical toll on their well-being and that life can sometimes be really tough.  A beautiful made up face and cute baby photos do not equate to a good sleep and a well adjusted baby!  All the misconceptions and in-authenticity out there in social media land causes a ripple of self doubt and anxiety that we all should be more that what we are or what we are capable of achieving. One big Snap chat filter so the world never has to see the real us.  Even the most positive posts can be full of falseness and fishing for more likes or comments. Ive seen it happen in groups where people strategically reply over several days to comments on posts to bring their post back up to the top of the page for more exposure.  It happens and these people are sprinkling spirituality out of their calculating fingertips. Sometimes I cant work out if I admire their enterprising genius or despise their disingenuous.   Like it or not social media is such an integrated part of our daily lives that it plays a part in what I consider part of my success and some days like today I am just as messed up as the next person.

As I approach my eight year cancer free I am also contemplating what the future holds for me.  But for today I do nothing but write as my head hurts from projecting, my heart aches from my past failures, my body is completely and utterly exhausted and my soul is so so tired. I know this shall pass and when the waves of emotion retreat I will have found another spark of inspiration from God knows where and a renewed sense of hope for better more abundant days to come. If there is one thing I love about me its the fact that I can recognize when I need to stop, retreat and give myself the time to reinvent myself.  Kind of like Madonna but without her bank account!

When life gives you lemons, you say F?@k lemonade. Then google every single recipe you can using lemons!

Michelle <3

The Oversharer

The Oversharer

by | Mar 25, 2015 | Life Lessons

My personality traits tend to include over-sharing There has been numerous occasions when a little over-sharing has landed me into some warm steamy poop! I can’t help it if I’m the one that points out the elephant in the room.  My sense of humor and quick witted sarcasm usually has undertones of truth all over it! So in my caring over sharing way here’s how to recognize those toxic people in your life and how to get rid of them!
 
No Integrity – People who think it’s okay to treat you badly because they believe there are no consequences for their actions.  These people have a complete lack of perception about how what they say, or do, effect other people. If they are aware, then they just don’t give a fat rats and probably fit in the narcissistic personality disorder category. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder
Michelle’s over-sharing critique  These people are bought into our life to teach us what NOT to accept.  If their jealously, bitterness, insecurities or just plain nastiness doesn’t have you running for the door, then RUN FORREST RUN. You do not need these people in your life. You are only there to make them feel better about themselves, not the other way around. 
Non Sharers –  People who wont tell you where they bought that pretty scarf, give you a copy of a family recipe to chocolate brownies, how they managed a 5 star holiday on a 2 star budget, share business contacts bla bla bla and the list goes on.

Michelle’s over-sharing critique  These types of people tend to ask lots of questions and have no problems asking you for information, while their minds are constantly ticking away with their own agendas. They typically change the subject, dodge answering direct questions or give vague responses. ‘I bought it somewhere in the city I think, I can’t remember now’. They can be private, thrifty, people who seem to succeed ALOT.   They go on their overseas holiday every other year but won’t share the deals, websites or travel agencies they used. After all, who wouldn’t like to  plan a decent family holiday on a budget?  I don’t understand these people (that’s because I’m an over-sharer). Maybe they feel they have invested so much time and energy planning this for themselves that they have little desire to share the abundance with others. These people are here to teach us what we don’t want in relationships.  A friendship, relationship or partnership is about giving and receiving. There needs to be an equal exchange of energy or it upsets the balance.  Stop giving and see what happens.  I bet you find the relationship just slips away never to be seen again. 

Facebook Stalkers – They never ‘like’ anything. They never comment. They never post,  but they raise their ugly stalker heads if they accidentally drop something in conversation and you’re like ‘WTF? How did you know?’ (oh that’s right we’re FB friends).  Sometimes they don’t even use their own accounts to do it! “OMG” I hear you say. I know, unbelievable isn’t it!  They seem to know everything about you but you know very little if anything about whats going on in their life.   They collate information like mini computers and some even use you to start gossip and create drama in your life (gasp). These FB stalkers also THINK they know you.  FYI – No you don’t FB Stalkers, you see what I choose to share THAT IS ALL!
 
Michelle’s over-sharing critique Sometimes these people also fit in the NON SHARER category.  I know, scary to think they have a foot in both camps.  These people are here to teach us how to use Facebook! RESTRICTED ACCESS PEOPLE.  PUBLIC posts limit what you share with these types of people. Understandably sometimes you may use restricted status because you don’t want people at work or school encroaching into your personal life, other times its to just keep the busy bodies out! There is also a DE-FRIEND button. Don’t be afraid to use it. 

Last but not least 
Boundary breeches –  Moochers also fit under this category (Someone who always asks for things and favors constantly and will never leave you alone. They will ask for money, rides to places, for you to do simple tasks they could do easily but they think the whole world should cater to them, basically just a leech to everyone around them, a parasite to the community) . Warning – also watch out for the Non sharers and the No Integrity people. These people feel they have a sense of entitlement, take no personal responsibility for their choices or have no boundaries themselves.  All these types of people will encroach on your life taking advantage of your generous giving nature.  Sadly they are usually close friends and family who make the most of putting you in extremely uncomfortable situations where you may feel awkward or embarrassed to have to stand your ground and say NO! Just like that overseas relative who was supposed to crash on your couch for a couple of weeks and is still there three months later.
Michelle’s over-sharing critique The takers will continue to take as long as the givers keep on giving.  STOP DOING IT! You will be surprised at how the dynamics of this type of relationship will change when you do.  The Boundary Breeches may just be No Integrity, Narcissistic Personality Disorder types in ‘sheep’s’ clothing.
 

 Do yourself a favor and start to eliminate these toxic people from your life.  Take yourself off the SALE shelf and put up the price tag. You and your time are worth so more, so give it to those that truly value you.