by Michelle Potter Artist - Energy Worker - Wayshower | Jul 3, 2019 | Cancer, Life Lessons, Stomach Cancer
Fifteen years ago I became a mum. I left the workforce and became a full time stay at home parent. Still wanting to keep my mind active I studied to become a swimming teacher but ended up paying more out in childcare fees than my actual wage. When my second baby arrived I decided to put my work life on hold until he was a little more independent. That was 11 years ago. When my youngest was heading off to four year old kindergarten I thought great, now I can get back into work and start contributing to the household finances, then I was diagnosed with cancer. That was 7 years ago.
Over the last seven years I have worked a casual job which ended rather abruptly after I had a dumping episode. Unfortunately a side effect of living without a stomach and a boss who was not willing to compromise. I’ve also done contract work but the pay and the hour and 20 minute round trip wasn’t even covering my petrol. Don’t get me wrong, there have been plenty of pluses. I get to stay at home, attend children’s events at school, dont have to compromise my boss if any of the kids are home sick, volunteer my time to the school community, eat when I want, rest when I want, go out when I want and work on my art portfolio. Its like being on one big holiday only there is no sightseeing or spending money and you have to motivate yourself to get out of bed every single day.
Sacrificing all the things that come with working full time and being able to up skill in the creative sense has been the most selfish and fulfilling part of being at home. Launching a website and Page on Facebook, doing commissioned art pieces for people all over the world. Pushing myself on a daily basis to be better, to be more visible, to extend my experiences into meditation classes, art classes, craft workshops. Advertising, daily posts, sticking flyers up around local shops. Expand, expand, expand, doing what I love in the hope that I can not only help others but give my family the financial freedom we so desire. Here I am nearly eight years down the track and I feel like a bit of a failure. I am so tired. So tired of trying to balance my health, my family, my support page and my business. So tired of feeling guilty for not being able to financially contribute to the family income, so tired of feeling I am not where I thought I would be. Watching others around me so motivated, meditating daily for blasts of inspiring feel good posts, feeling into the rhythm of the universe and working with the cycles of the moon, bla bla bla, plastering positivity all over their social media, watching friends who have their shit together and feeling I could be doing more, I should be doing more, I need to be seeing and being more. But I can’t because I am SO TIRED of trying and failing. Seriously, there are only so many times you can pick yourself up before you have to stop and reevaluate your entire life and the current direction you are facing. And now a quiet pause…….
“Hey Spirit, here is your opportunity to send that big bolt of
lightening I have been waiting for.”
I can understand why so many amazing Artists simply give up trying to make a living from their Art. I really wanted to be the exception. After all I am a walking miracle and by all accounts I shouldn’t be alive right now. Should’nt that mean something? Didn’t God let me live so that I could see out a much greater purpose? I thought I’d been grasping life by the big kahunas to create the successful abundant life I deserve, but I haven’t succeeded and being granted a second chance at life doesn’t make me special, it just makes me extremely lucky. My life holds no more value than anyone else’s. My experiences certainly make me look at life with a different perspective and I always look for every possibility. If I didn’t I could possibly be the most miserable person on the planet. Here’s a depiction of me looking miserable with a pair of useless big kahunas.
Is there a part of me that has had a sense of entitlement that because I survived that makes me somehow special? Reality check …… I think there might have been. My shadow just got a big slap in face and knows this is a complete fabrication to cover up any insecurities and fear around lack and acceptance. Getting through cancer doesn’t make me special, it makes me a liability. Lets face it letting a few organs go is going to compromise a lot of things and those that say it was a small price to pay to survive, well lets just say that comment is not helpful. They have absolutely no comprehension what price I have had to pay and continue to pay for everyday of my life. I simply do not have the capacity to work full time anymore. I don’t even know how I will cope part time. If I disclose the reasons for the gap in my of employment then I can almost guarantee that no matter how experienced I am or how much of a kind competent person I maybe, my resume will be cast aside quicker than yesterday’s newspaper. Let’s just look at the term cast aside for a moment. Abandoned, unwanted, undervalued, overlooked, ignored, forgotten, unused, depreciated, declined, passed over. Ever fiber in my being fights these words every single day, consciously and unconsciously. PTSD is very real in my world and it comes out in various ways, some of them extremely healing and creative and some not so constructive.
What does success look like anyway?
A large social media following? – These people probably have no time for anything else or they have lots of people working for them so stop comparing.
A healthy bank account? – Who doesn’t want an endless supply of cash but think about all of the things that are sacrificed in order to have this, including being with the most important people in your life.
A balanced body? – This is hard work in every sense of the word.
A great job? – Whats that? Unless you are extremely fortunate to love what you do or work for yourself in which case there are also big sacrifices.
Holidays? – That was nice for all of three seconds, now go chain yourself back to your desk in a job you hate with people you don’t really like but have to tolerate so you can save up for your next holiday.
Healthy relationships? – Saying no, creating boundaries, letting toxic people go no matter how much it hurts – did I also mention hard work.
Lots of friends? – The more friends you have the more drama you are likely to be pulled into – keep your circle small.
OR
Just the fact that you have somewhere soft and warm to sleep with food in your cupboards? – Some may call that gratitude others might call that living in survival energy. Either way it’s all a matter of perspective.
I am also under no illusion that what people post is what they want you to see. Most people do not want other people to see that they are not coping, that their marriage is falling apart, that they cant afford to feed themselves, there are bills on the fridge they cant pay, that their health is failing, that their job is taking a mental and physical toll on their well-being and that life can sometimes be really tough. A beautiful made up face and cute baby photos do not equate to a good sleep and a well adjusted baby! All the misconceptions and in-authenticity out there in social media land causes a ripple of self doubt and anxiety that we all should be more that what we are or what we are capable of achieving. One big Snap chat filter so the world never has to see the real us. Even the most positive posts can be full of falseness and fishing for more likes or comments. Ive seen it happen in groups where people strategically reply over several days to comments on posts to bring their post back up to the top of the page for more exposure. It happens and these people are sprinkling spirituality out of their calculating fingertips. Sometimes I cant work out if I admire their enterprising genius or despise their disingenuous. Like it or not social media is such an integrated part of our daily lives that it plays a part in what I consider part of my success and some days like today I am just as messed up as the next person.
As I approach my eight year cancer free I am also contemplating what the future holds for me. But for today I do nothing but write as my head hurts from projecting, my heart aches from my past failures, my body is completely and utterly exhausted and my soul is so so tired. I know this shall pass and when the waves of emotion retreat I will have found another spark of inspiration from God knows where and a renewed sense of hope for better more abundant days to come. If there is one thing I love about me its the fact that I can recognize when I need to stop, retreat and give myself the time to reinvent myself. Kind of like Madonna but without her bank account!
When life gives you lemons, you say F?@k lemonade. Then google every single recipe you can using lemons!
Michelle <3
by Michelle Potter Artist - Energy Worker - Wayshower | Sep 23, 2016 | Life Lessons
An opportunity to grow. A second chance to embrace a life I once very much took for granted. A time to connect with others that share similar stories to my own, and a time to grieve all those new friends that haven’t been as lucky as I have. I don’t know why I survived and they didn’t. I cry for their partners, their children and their families but I know, given the chance, they would all want me to live the life I have been blessed with. I never thought that this is what my soul path would look like. I never thought I would be here in this moment, sitting in a plane. Im on my way home with my family after having the opportunity to create some wonderful memories.
As with most people, life goes on and people busy themselves again with work, family and friends, but for those that experience massive trauma something on the inside changes. Only those that go through this transition truly understand the cosmic collision of reality and the illusion of life that is sometimes played out like a Hollywood movie. Drama becomes trivial and we no longer care for those that create it. Only true friendships remain after the storm, and new relationships are based on wisdom, experience and clarity. The veils are lifted and what is left is a stark new reality of how those who have experienced trauma choose to live.
Take a tsunami as an example. The wave is a huge gush of emotion, it totally wipes just about everything out. Everyone rallies right after the disaster. Relief teams comes flooding in from everywhere to help. The people feel very cared for and supported, but it is short lived relief. After a time facilities have been put in place so people leave and get on with their lives. They are initially impacted by the tragedy but their own personal lives pretty much go on the same. However the people hit by the tsunami must rebuild. They must grief friends and family they may have lost. They have not only the practical to implement, some may even reassess their entire belief system. After all, what type of God would cause this much devastation in a persons life?
Rebuilding your mind, body and spirit takes time. Through personal experience I can tell you it takes years. You are left raw and vulnerable and grieving so many things that sometimes it’s hard to know where to start. You have no choice but to change. I don’t expect others to understand or respect the decisions I make. My decision making can sometimes be viewed upon as cold and unforgiving but I am neither. I make decisions based on my circumstances to forge boundaries and protect myself. I can only do this with the information and knowledge that I have in front of me. Tomorrow may bring new light to situations and as a person with integrity I will accept my indeficiencies as a human being and search for forgiveness if I have made mistakes. My health is and always will be a fine balance. My philosophy is simple. Treat me with kindness and understanding and I will show you the same respect.
We all have a story, and we all manage to survive it in our own way. The last five years have been tough. Financially, medically, emotionally, physically and spiritually. It has redefined who I am. I have stepped into the person I was always supposed to be and it has been one tough initiation. So now I look to a future without fear of failure. For there is no such thing, only another day to begin again.
Michelle
by Michelle Potter Artist - Energy Worker - Wayshower | Sep 12, 2015 | Life Lessons
I have long forgotten asking the Universe why things happen the way they do. I never project too far into the future because I am never sure what is around the corner for me, so I live my days as much in the moment as I can and surround myself with those that I love.
What I do know is life is so fragile and can change at any moment. We all have to ride the waves and our attitudes define who we become on the other side of our experiences. Then you have those defining moments in which your life will never be the same again. Through my own experience, I have learned than sometimes when we take too long to make decisions the Universe makes them for us. It can shake us down to our very core and be excruciatingly painful both physically and mentally. It makes us reevaluate who we are, why we are here, what we want and what we are supposed to be doing on this crazy planet.
Pain makes the world stop. You look around a world which was normal the day before and yet it now seems so far from the truth we wonder how people can carry on without noticing. Its like all of a sudden we wake up and everyone else seems to be sleepwalking. The shift in us can be so great that it can change the course of who we are and where we thought we were going.
Just as our bodies become sensitive and cannot longer tolerate certain foods over time, it becomes the same with people and situations. For a time we still eat things knowing that we are going to pay for them later. Over time our tolerance levels get lower and lower until our bodies immediately reject or react to something that it doesn’t like. As we become more and more aware of ourselves the same things happen in our relationships. That old friendship circle maybe tolerable for a while, but then you will find you become less and less like the people you once called friends. Socializing with them will become so unappealing that the only logical thing to do is to move away from it. Friends will change, relationships will change, jobs will change as each one no longer is a reflection of you. This then has to be replaced with something new, which is another entirely different blog for another day.
During my recovery a few things stood out that were glaringly obvious. I discovered the people that really cared, and the ones that just said they did. I noticed the people that I could have genuine meaningful conversations with and those that were transparent and shallow. The kindness of strangers restored my faith in humanity and those I thought would support me during my illness are the ones that disappointed me the most. I learned never to underestimate the power of kindness and who I should spend my most precious gift of time on.
All I know is I am wide ‘AWAKE’ and working my way towards becoming an ‘ENLIGHTENED’ being. After all, we are all headed in the same direction, I just prefer to do it with humor and a light heart.
by Michelle Potter Artist - Energy Worker - Wayshower | Oct 30, 2014 | Cancer, Life Lessons, Stomach Cancer
Self prescribing vitamins., I’ve been doing it for years. After my stomach cancer and subsequent surgery, I was thrown into a world of supplements and nutritional deficiencies that carry lifelong consequences if I don’t keep on top on things. Fortunately for me I have blood tests every three months so I can see how most levels are going. To stay at my optimum every day I religiously down at least 20 vitamin tablets, ½ aspirin and an antibiotic and occasionally throw a few other things in depending on my blood test results. I don’t do this willy nilly, I do a fair bit of homework on what will work for me, what I’m already taking and speak to professionals in their field to gauge if my homework reflects their professional option. This helps me make educated choices but even so I still don’t know if I’m getting it right. I can only go on how I look, feel and how my body is responding to life. People in my situation are left in a very vulnerable position when it comes to wanting to take care of ourselves and we have to be wary of those who seek to take advantage of that.
I am raising this topic today because I can’t help but feel really upset and angry at myself at a situation that happened to me earlier in the year. It was recommended to me that I seek out the help of an Integrative Medical Naturopath. This is a person who understands western medical practices and can incorporate both medical and naturopathic medicine for the best possible outcome. As I am not about to leave the comfort of my own home to live naked, eat organic and grow hairy armpits in the rainforests of Brazil, I thought ‘Perfect this is exactly what I have been looking for’. This person was highly recommended to me by a couple of people so I sent an email entailing my situation and made an appointment.
Let me start by saying, this person is AMAZING. She was extremely professional and certainly knows her stuff. She was all about what I could do moving forward and being proactive with my health and how we could monitor my funky cancer genes. She gave me a few things to try and this ended the consultation. I made a follow up appointment, go to pay and OUCH $270.30!!! First consultation fees and very little back with my private health (not to mention a 35 minute drive from my house) made for a very expensive round trip.
Second consult, just as good as the first one. I had handed over my supplement sheet, medical records and blood tests in my previous consult and she had gone away to do her analysis. More encouraging outcomes and a prescription that needed to be filled by a Compounding Pharmacy. (Pharmacy compounding is an established tradition which allows a physician to prescribe a very specific medication, prepared by a pharmacist, for a patient’s individual needs.) End consultation, make follow up appointment, go to pay….still ouch $129.00 but not quite as bad this time.
A few weeks had gone by and I was following up the prescription with the Pharmacy, turns out one of the ingredients was obviously coming from the arse of a Lama which was sitting on the top of Mount Kanchenjunga in Nepal. So I waited a few more days and then they called to tell me it was ready. The conversation went something like this…. (names have been changed so I don’t get sued!)
Them – ‘Hello, this is Tina from ABC Pharmacy, I am calling to tell you your prescription is ready’
Me – ‘Oh, great how much is it?’
Them – ‘$379.40’
Me –
Me – ‘Sorry, was that $379.40 cents?’
Them – ‘Yes, extra if you want delivery’
Me – (nervous giggle) ‘Gee I hope that is a month’s supply’
Them – ‘No this is for one week’
Me –
Me – ‘Well I guess I have to pay for that (as you have already sent a small slave child up a big mountain to collect the droppings of a Lama) . I just want to tell you that I am extremely surprised and really disappointed that I have to pay this amount. We are a one income family and this is ridiculous. I should have been warned it was going to cost this much.’
Them – ‘Yes, some of the ingredients (mainly the stuff from the arse of that Lama ) in your prescription were very expensive. Best you speak to your naturopath.’
Me – ‘Yes, thanks I will do that’. (Reluctantly handed over Visa details and address)
END CONVERSATION
I got off the phone and apart from being in absolute shock, I was totally devastated. How was I going to explain to my husband that this magic gold dust was going to do everything that I needed in order for me to stay cancer free and see my little boys turn into men. I did indeed call and speak to my ‘Integrative Medical Naturopath’ and clearly explained our financial situation. (Just for the record I already consume approximately $200 worth of vitamin and nutritional supplements a month, just add the gold dust of $379.40 a week, her consultation fee and seriously no one in their right mind could afford this, let alone a one income family) She apologized and said she wasn’t aware that it was going to cost that much. As much as I wanted to believe her I figured if you do this every day and it is your profession I’m going to have to call ‘Bullshit’.
That night I sat and cried, a lot. There was a massive assumption that we could afford anything that was prescribed to me. There was no upfront explanation that some or all of my medication was extremely expensive. You almost get pushed into a corner and feel obligated that you must follow this path in order to live a healthy life. Cost seemed to be an afterthought to them. Of course there was no way we could continue to do this and I felt let down, angry and frustrated with the entire situation. Here I am, wanting to take the best possible care of myself and in my opinion I had been manipulated. My question of cost during the consultation was met with ‘I’m not sure about that, but it will be around $150’. I’m not sure who I was more mad at, me for feeling guilty that I couldn’t afford medication for my health and wellbeing, the government for not supporting and supplementing natural medicine, the naturopath for charging too much and under quoting my costs, the pharmacy for overcharging, or the Lama! Mostly I was just sad because I felt this avenue was no longer an option for me because we weren’t in a financial position to pay for everything.
I continue to search for complementary medicine and do self development and spiritual work on a daily basis. I understand that this body is my vehicle to get me through this lifetime, I need to take care of it the best way I can. If there is one thing I have learned through this experience it is not to put all your eggs in one basket. I have a great team of medical and alternate support people around me. Don’t get discouraged by one set back, life is full of other opportunities you just have to make the choice to go out and look for them. I must say Brazil’s looking pretty good!
