Have you ever had a bad experience that hits you right in the heart? Of course you have, we all have. By my own admission I am an extremely sensitive soul. I will own my mistakes and have no issues apologising for any wrongdoings. However, being at the blunt end of someone’s emotional outburst leaves me quite upset and perplexed. Much like anyone I suppose. Another reason why I was never good at working in retail. Sometimes you just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and you are the closest target for somebody’s aggression.
If negative emotions start to rise due to a situation it can be very easy to react with defensive behaviour. If you are anything like me, shock is normally my first response. I cocoon myself with like-minded people, so this rarely occurs. In fact, I can count on one hand how many times this has happened in the last year. But when it does, it takes me completely off guard and I feel thrown off my axis. Not just a little, I’m taking about all consuming thought process that take me down a spiraling pathway of traumatic experiences. I understand why they are coming up now and I am taking them as an opportunity to finally release them and let them go.
Being locked up in isolation for the last few months has not assisted with some people’s emotional intelligence, tolerance and showing a little kindness, let alone staying professional. In fact, for some it has brought out the worst in them.
I have created a folder in my brain for some of these very people. It’s called ‘Arseholes’. This is where I put those nasty and unwanted perpetrators. These people have not two but three sphincters, yes, we have two at the anus (I am both funny and educational). Their lack of empathy or narcissistic privilege belongs in that little box surrounded by an imaginary electric fence with a big neon KEEP OUT sign. It’s a small but necessary folder. I acknowledge its existence, but I also understand that it is a very small portion of my life.
So how do you find something good out of a bad experience? The most important but painful part of this process is to experience the emotions. Yep, you heard me right ALL of them. Feel that pain, anger, hurt, shame, guilt, fear, embarrassment, frustration and all the rest of those nasties. Feel the full impact of the emotions created by the situation. Feel through each and everyone of them, take days or weeks if you have to. Become the observer of your own thoughts as they start to overlap like the tide and bring up the past and seemingly unassociated situations. Kind of like that drunk girl in the toilets who starts bringing up every single bad thing that has ever happened in her entire life. Be the kind sober friend to yourself as your inner drunk girl starts her verbal vomit.
Most of us have no patience for our inner drunk girl so we may start this process of ‘feeling’ and instead of seeing it out to the other side we shut ourselves down or we begin to lose clarity. We find ourselves stuck in an emotional loop where we head down paths of unresolved emotional experiences. By this time, our inner drunk girl has numbed her pain and is back on the dance floor or she has passed out in the corner somewhere. I get it, I did it for years and guess where it got me….SICK, like am I going to live or die sick. As Caroline Myss, one of my favourite spiritual teachers said in her book “Creation of Health”, our life history and experiences, become intertwined with the cells of our physical body. ‘Your emotions reside physically in your body and interact with your cells and tissues, our biography becomes our biology.’
Every time that inner drunk girl starts, and we shut her down we are holding negative emotions within the cells of our body. Does that hurt the person who created the emotional reaction in you? Absolutely not, but it can have detrimental effects on you. If we just allow ourselves to ‘feel’ into an experience you can find the light at the other side. By ignoring or blocking negative emotions you are doing a disservice to your own health and your own personal growth. With thoughts come emotions and with emotions come feelings. If you get the formula right then those feelings can open to lessons, growth and opportunities.
Let me take you on a journey. Yep the J word! No one likes emotional pain, unless you are the narcissist inflicting it. The minute you get upset, angry or feel like reacting like a three-year-old who can’t put lollies into a shopping cart, people want to shut us down. Ever noticed that? We cry and instead of holding space for us people want to automatically calm and comfort us with tissues and a cup of tea. I am not saying that it is okay to display random acts of violence or to hit out at people because we need a sales assistant to abuse because of our frustrations. But when we feel intense emotional reactions to situations, we need to think of the sober friend holding space for our inner drunk girl. Here are some techniques you can use to support your inner drunk girl.
Firstly give her some room to vent. Allow her to talk through all her problems. Let her cry, let her get angry, let her bring up the past. By simply listening to her and writing things down and giving her time you can start to unravel the big ball of complexity we call emotions. You would be surprised how many times she answers her own questions if you truly hear what she is saying. The next step is to separate the emotions and the feelings. This is the tricky bit and the most common place when we let our inner drunk girl back on the dance floor because things can start to feel overwhelming. Note: You are under no obligation as the sober friend to solve all your inner drunk girl problems at once. You have an entire lifetime (and then some) to unravel and its not all going to happen over one bottle of Merlot.
Usually a big emotional reaction will occur over an accumulation of events. The one that triggers the biggest reaction is not necessarily the worst event. It could be quite a small situation that brings up an over-reactionary response. You see every time you send your inner drunk girl back out onto the dance floor because you can’t ‘deal with her’, she holds onto all your stuff. A few bits might drop off as she stumbles her way back through the crowded bar but most of it is still hanging off her. The next time she is triggered by a situation she has all that baggage accumulated from the time before, and the time before that, and the time before that. If emotions are not worked through, then we can start to build walls that end up feeling like mountains. We can become resentful, bitter, closed off, unfeeling and worse of all, sick. We don’t allow ourselves to be open to new experiences because we become so stuck in believing they will cause us pain, distress or hurt. Here’s a News Flash, that doesn’t stop ‘life’ from happening. It is our ability to put things into perspective that gets screwed up. It always has to come back to YOU.
Have you ever met two people that have experienced the same situation, yet their responses were completely opposite? Meet Kylie and Karen. Both ladies had a rather unpleasant conversation with a Printing Company. The salesman acted and spoke in a very unprofessional manner when they decided to take their business elsewhere. Kylie spent a day with her inner drunk girl and has processed through her emotions. At the end of the day Kylie can see that even though it was an unpleasant encounter, this situation was a good thing because she wanted to align her future business dealings with the right people. Clearly these were not the right people. Karen on the other hand does not like to be spoken to in a rude manner. She feels totally disrespected and never got to have her say because the call was ended rather abruptly. Karen is infuriated with the company and spends the day writing them an email about how unhappy she is and bitching to anyone and everyone that will listen. She gets so side-tracked with feelings of rejection and righteousness that she does not want to deal with another printing company ever again. Karen gives up in anger, lets her inner drunk girl go back onto the dance floor and self-sabotage’s her dream of self-publishing her first book.
Karen’s reaction may seem extreme but is very normal and more common than what you think. Under all of Karen’s anger is a fear of failure. What if her book is a massive flop? What if people laugh at her? What if she isn’t good enough? What if no one buys her book? Could she cope with the rejection? What if she is successful? Does she fear success? What if people think she’s a fake? Karen’s inner drunk girl was triggered by one small conversion. She was trying to tell Karen to face all those things that she feared but instead she misdirected her anger as a means to shift the responsibility away from herself by projecting that feeling onto someone else. Remember every experience can teach us if we look for the lesson.
So next time you are confronted by a situation that brings up some unpleasant feelings sit with your inner drunk girl and really get to know her. If you take the time to listen you will find a deeper level of understanding within yourself. You will start to unravel why you do what you do. When you become aware of the ‘Whys’ you have something to work with and that’s how we open to new opportunities and experiences.
I asked a musician friend of mine how does he feel when he is asked to keep going back and playing old songs? It was something that no one had asked him before. After a little thought his reply was that it was difficult. So how do you keep giving the fans what they want, but you are constantly evolving?
I feel the same way as a visual artist. Someone said to me that they preferred the abstract acrylics I used to do. It took all of my facial muscles to prevent my eyes from rolling back in my head. I watch other artists that pump out the same work for years and years. There is only so many paintings of naked people swimming underwater I can admire before I unfollow someone.
These artists may have found their niche and perhaps they are very successful with their style but personally I find variety is the spice of life. As an artist I would loose my passion very quickly if the expectations from the public was to continue pushing out the same stuff day in and day out. I am not saying that art doesn’t come from a place of inspiration for these repeat offenders but somehow when it becomes a production line of ‘same thing different painting’ surely some passion and heart is lost.
The most amazing thing about creating is having the ability to paint the same subject in different mediums and getting very different results. When I allow my intuitive nature to flow into any project then it has no choice but to evolve. Sure, I have a run of things and then I move onto something else. Some may call it self sabotage, as it may appear that a project is becoming successful and I stop doing it. That I am always going to be the struggling artist if I constantly move the goal posts and confuse my admiring followers.
Here’s the thing. I always go back to most projects but when I do it’s with fresh eyes. I want to learn and expand and create with ever fiber of my being. When you reach the peak of your current skill set or have a create block, don’t stop there. Even the most beautiful pond will go stagnant without running water. You have to keep the flow going and the way I do that is to try something new or to revisit something old with new knowledge.
Diversity is the key to keeping my life force flowing. I recently read a blog about creatives which mentioned something extremely important ‘You don’t have to monetize your joy.’ My art room is literally exploding with ideas that I have not felt ready to or have not wanted to share with the world.
Heading back into a full time job or pumping out pet portraits would definitely ease the financial burdens I place on our family. However if I did that then a part of me would die and that scares me more than having no money. Anyone who has ever been through a traumatic experience knows that life takes on a very different perspective afterwards. Sure, things would be very different with a decent amount of cash in my bank account but would I have pushed my creative limitations if there was? Truthfully, probably not.
I love the ever evolving artist, she surprises me everyday. I get excited about whats next and wake up in the mornings with an indescribable joy in my heart. What part of my soul will awaken today bringing in higher levels of consciousness and inspiration. The unknown used to scare me, now I feel a growing excitement for change.
Art means different things to different people. I choose to heal, expand and challenge myself through creative expression. Being in the space I find myself now, I appreciate the opportunities that have made me do the soul work. Made me get uncomfortable and made me search for a deeper understanding of self. Over the last nine years I have integrated this into every cell in my body and continue to do so. When that big opportunity knocks, and I never doubt that it will, it will not change the core of who I have become and it definitely will not stop the person I am meant to be.
If you follow my website and Facebook Page you may have noticed some gradual transitions over the last twelve months. These changes have occurred as my higher self has been calling and I have been listening. Slowly implementing changes and moving back into studying as I have had a yearning to fully integrate all that I know I am.
The term Visionary Artist was an identity someone else tagged me and at the time I accepted it. If you are told the same thing over and over for many years, no matter what it is, at some level of consciousness you are going to question yourself and perhaps even start to believe it.
Calling myself a Visionary Artist never felt quite right. There is no doubt I am an intuitive Artist, but I am also lots and of other things. Having this label was like locking myself in a room. The same script repeating in my head that I had to find that one thing I was good at and to excel at it.I have learned so many skills and I will be forever grateful for the lessons and the teachers in my life. Without them I would not be who I am today. My mentor at the beginning of my awakening and art career was constantly telling me to focus. Be the bee, stop getting distracted by other things and concentrate on what I was good at. Go deeper within myself, heal, build a structure, an identity and create. It made a lot of sense at the time because when you are on the start of a spiritual awakening and truly searching for who you are, you are often open to suggestion and seeking trusted mentors that are knowledgeable and wise. Learning to work with and see the teacher for who they are, at some stage may also become the lesson. If your mentor has a God complex (believe me there is plenty of them out there) or is not evolving with you it’s likely the student at some point in time will surpass the teacher.It is us who must learn and awaken to the knowledge when it is time to thank them and move on.
When you are in the right flow with Spirit then opportunities will open up. Synchronicity just happens, the right people and situations come across your path so you can achieve your visions and be rewarded with the abundance you so deserve. It’s like driving to a new destination. You still control the vehicle, but you make all the right turns and get a lot of green lights along the way. Its Spirits way of letting you know that when you are aligned to your true pathway even the Stop signs are opportunities for you level up energetically so your light shines brighter, and your purpose becomes clearer.I thought I was in the flow and I would occasionally see small glimpses of the possibilities awaiting me, but they were short lived and never seemed to build momentum. It has pretty much been uphill all the way and I seemed to be getting a lot of red lights!At times it made me question who I am and at what point do I say the path of the Visionary Artist is clearly not the direction that Spirit wants me to take. That time is now.
Stepping back from my Artist identity last year and getting really honest with myself I discovered something.The Stop signs have been necessary for me to understand that life is happening for me, not to me. That everything that I have been through has given me a collection of experiences and such a deep level of understanding that there is absolutely no uncertainly in my heart of who I am and what I came here to do. Hence the change of my business logo and what I identify with in my current reality.In order to become all that we were born to be we must be prepared to evolve and lose the tags that others put on us as well as those we put on ourselves. Know that we should not be the same person we were last year, last month, last week. From the wise words of Muhammad Ali – “The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.”
What if we could see our true selves? An unfiltered reflection of this reality. An honest glimpse of our archetypal natures and an opportunity to look past our own ego and see into the maps of our soul.What if we had another physical version of ourselves to show us the way.Someone to hold our hand through hard times, delight in our achievements and encourage us when we need some motivation.A twin compass that can give us guidance and assist us in seeking what it is we have agreed to fulfill in this chapter of our souls’ learning.
On my personal journey using many healing modalities, courses, teachers and self-help books, I have heard time and time again that we already hold the answers to our own questions. That we already possess all the tools to be able to do our own inner work, but what does that mean exactly? Have you ever heard the saying “Take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror?” If we really want to grow, then we have to be prepared to embrace all aspects of ourselves and learn from them which means accepting and working with our Shadow.
Our Shadow aspect is one of our greatest learning tools and working with it, rather than against it brings an enormous amount of growth and insight.When life throws uncertainty or unpleasant situations our way it also gives us opportunities for personal growth and development.I am not suggesting you must suffer from adversity to learn, but the Universe certainly has a way of getting our attention if we continue to ignore the lessons.
The truth is confronting and can often show us that we need to implement change.As creatures of habit, often even the thought of consciously moving ourselves into discomfort is enough to stop us from doing so.Because of this we get stuck in a type of patterning loop.This loop of illusion can integrate itself so much into your psyche that it starts to form into your belief patterns.This is working against your Shadow which can lead to destructive and self-sabotaging behavior, stagnation and dis-ease. It can be deceptively subtle, so much so that sometimes nothing short of a major life trauma can shift your perception of reality.
When we ignore or fail to listen to the answers from our Shadow aspect then we are denying access to the part of ourselves that want us to grow.Our inner work starts and stops with how much we are prepared to hear, transform and integrate into our lives. Our Shadow is not something to be suppressed, hidden or to be treated like the enemy.It can be our biggest ally. Our best decisions are made when we have clarity of thought.For this we need to come from a space of love and non-judgement of ourselves.All of ourselves – not just the good bits!
Stand and take an honest look in the mirror. Are you ready to access those tools you already possess?Do you want to dive deep into your inner world to discover the answers that await you?The vessel that stands reflecting back at you, he/she is the one you are looking for.
Most of us make life so complicated, like a pressure cooker of expectations all thrown together in a massive soup of exhaustion and stress. Then all of a sudden, your body screams STOP and you have no choice because the Universe does it for you.
If you have ever been through a cancer journey, then you would understand the weight of getting through another year.I rarely announce it anymore, because those that don’t understand may look at the celebration as an opportunity of glorifying my own self-importance.Lots of people get through cancer right? Just get over it already.Quoting Kerwin Rae ‘ Your problems don’t make you special because everyone’s got them.’ *BTW actually a really good article. The problem is, this is not like a cold or flu.You don’t just get over cancer and get on with life like it never happened.
The fall out from my surgery has been huge, more than anyone around me can appreciate let alone understand.Not only did I discover that I carry a genetic predisposition for gastrointestinal cancers, I have gone ahead and had preventative surgery to eliminate some of them.Do you know how many organs the human body can live without? I certainly do because I’m missing quite a few of them.
I never thought that becoming a Light-worker would be quite so literal.I joke about being a pure chancel of light and that the only thing they cannot surgically remove is my sense of humor.I even like to tell people if I was abducted by aliens they would transport me back thinking they’d accidentally picked up one of their own!
So lets fast forward to 2018. This was the first year in 7 years (colonoscopy/endoscopy excluded) that I did not have to go under any major anesthetics.I managed to keep all my organs and only lost a few nasty polyps, good riddance to those.Then in November I started to develop tinnitus. A constant ringing in my ears that would drive anyone crazy.One night I went to bed and the ON switch in my brain got stuck.
If there is one thing that my cancer and gastrectomy taught me it was to be my own advocate.To be aware that there are many options out there to try and to never give up if one thing doesn’t work.Even when the experts in the field tell you ‘There is nothing further we can do, go home and learn to live with it.’ I consider myself a walking miracle so if I can find my way through to a solution then I will do everything I can to find it.I have become a seeker.
Not all questions can be answered with Western medical solutions and other times we have to wait for technology to catch up.In the meantime, it is important to find new ways of being.If this new condition has taught me anything it is that I really need to look after myself more.Its like a forced holiday but with self-care. I now sleep with BOSS Sleep buds.An expensive but necessary part of keeping my sanity.I have been meditating, soaking my feet in epson salts, fine tuning my supplements and giving myself time to ground my feet in the Earth and sit in nature.
Being your own best advocate also means being pro-active.Go to the doctor, have all the required tests.Anxiety and PTSD in cancer patients can take an enormous toll on your mental health and well-being.To many sleepless nights and I know I am unable to function as a human being. Seek help where you need it but do not look to others for the answers.Sometimes its about listening to your own inner voice and following your intuition.
Remembering each experience, good or bad is just an experience.If you can learn what works for you then you can share your findings with others.Sometimes just having one person who understands you can make all the difference in the world.
I do not understand why this is happening to me now, but I can tell you it is making me step out of my comfort zone and forcing me to seek out new and different things.It is hard work, annoying, frustrating and uncomfortable because I like routine, organization and knowing what tomorrow is going to bring.I’m not going to lie, when this first started it completely sucked the sparkle out of me and I just managed to grab hold before I went into an uncontrolled tail spin of depression.
I have to remind myself that every time I am forced to jump in feet first I learn something incredibly new about myself.As Gabby Bernstein suggests there are many moments where obstacles are opportunities to see things differently and I choose to see this as a detour in the right direction.
