The Power of Art as Therapy- Part 7 Honoring Your Story Unequivocally Me 2.0

The Power of Art as Therapy- Part 7 Honoring Your Story Unequivocally Me 2.0

Have you ever heard of story fatigue? It’s when you are asked to tell the same story over and over and eventually you get sick of hearing yourself. Apart from having to revisit all the trauma repeatedly, the more times you tell it, the more you can feel detached.

During my recovery, and for a few years after, I had the opportunity to be in the local paper. I was asked to be on a YouTube advertisement for my private health insurer and in their BUPA magazine. I’ve been on community radio, breakfast television and have been on several different podcasts. This is not to brag, it’s just facts and the reason I said yes was all for the purpose of sharing my experiences as a stomach cancer survivor.

I saw myself as a beacon of hope for the 4% of survivors. If I was offered an opportunity, then I wanted to spread my message far and wide. However, story fatigue eventually hit and I remember the day I knew I’d had enough. The next time I was asked to tell my story I wanted to get paid. Not that I ever wanted to make money from my experience, but I needed to somehow put a value on my time. The Wellbeing Magazine was the first paid article I wrote. I didn’t want cancer to be my legacy. Cancer was just the chapter that helped me find my real passion, Art.

Integrating my art with my health is something that needs to be shared. A lot of small business people in the Art Community are there because they have their own health issues. We are among the vulnerable groups in society. We don’t get paid enough for what we do. We get exploited. Our art is stolen and copied by large corporations. We are underappreciated and undervalued. Being an artist can be an incredibly lonely experience because some of us can’t leave our homes to work for someone else, so our online communities are sometimes our best sources of support. In fact I am a bonified Arterbater. I art alone!

I deliberately kept my cancer journey separate from my Art Page. Gastrectomy Connections and Michelle Potter Artist were two completely different parts of myself. Pre 2023, my socials never gave away I was missing half my organs. The irony of all of this, is I’m here again telling my story, because now I’ve got something new to add!

Did you know that a Total Gastrectomy (complete removal of the stomach) and a Whipples procedure (removal of part or entire pancreas) are two of the biggest surgeries to recover from. Most patients in both support groups suffer from major fatigue, weight loss, malnutrition, reactive hypoglycaemia (or in my case also diabetes). We have a much higher risk of bowel blockages, fatigue, pancreatic inefficacy, malnutrition syndrome, fatigue, irritable bowel, early onset osteoporosis, food intolerance, dumping syndrome, iron deficiency, b12 deficiency, diabetes, cancer occurrence and did I mention fatigue? These are facts and things I live with every single day. I don’t expect anyone other than other patients to understand what it takes to function on daily basis, but a bit of compassion and empathy can go a long way. Life for me is like walking a tight rope . Saying no to things is not because I don’t want to do them, it’s that my body doesn’t have the mental or physical capacity to do it. I will no longer compromise myself for the benefit of others. That includes saying no, a lot, which can, and has, and will probably continue to unfortunately make me out to be the villain in someone else’s story.

So how do I honour my story without rehashing the same trauma and keeping within my integrity ? For a start, I have to look at the lessons that are being put in front of me. I resource myself with the right support networks. I utilise the negative aspects of my experiences and transmute them into something creative and positive. I allow myself to feel everything without guilt or judgement. I hold space for rest if I need it and space to create. Most importantly I no longer carry the weight for others, staying in my own lane and out of other peoples drama.

I am not a rescuer and I do not need to be rescued. The best thing I can do for myself and others is to take care of me. I am making meaningful connections with like minded people and when I show up in the world I am promoting things that inspire and bring me joy.

Cancer does not define me. It is just the vehicle that got me to this point. Just as your experiences have got you to yours.

I honour my story by honouring myself and allowing what will be to be.

Michelle Potter

The Power of Art as Therapy – Part 4 Building Resilience, Empowerment and Self-Esteem  Unequivocally Me 2.0

The Power of Art as Therapy – Part 4 Building Resilience, Empowerment and Self-Esteem Unequivocally Me 2.0

I asked a musician friend of mine how he feels when people request his old songs. It was a question he hadn’t been asked before. After some thought, he told me that most times, he didn’t mind, but he preferred to play his new work.

Someone mentioned to me that they preferred my old abstract work. I can’t deny it; I felt a little insulted. Looking back at some of my old pieces, I’m embarrassed that I sold them and even more surprised that people wanted them. Given the chance I would recycle all the canvases! I’ve never understood how some artists are happy painting the same thing over and over and over for years. The repetitive nature of that would bore me to tears. Art, like music, should evolve with you, but that’s my opinion!

Initially, I posted my paintings on Facebook in an album on my personal profile. Like most mum-start-up businesses, I started with friends and family. I knew someone who worked in a little florist shop, so my paintings also hung on the wall on consignment. I even managed to sell a few.

In those early years, I learnt a few big lessons about shops and consignment paintings, but when you are starting out, you are genuinely grateful for the exposure and a space to sell your work.

Side note: For those unfamiliar with consignment work, an artist can work out a mutual agreement with a shop or space that benefits both parties. In my experience, it is good to have everything in writing so you are all on the same page. Also, be aware that any loss or damage caused to your artwork during its duration in the space may not be covered. For some reason, people like to touch paintings, especially kids with sticky little fingers

Facebook was in its infancy, and as my work started getting traction, I created a business Page called Paintings by Michelle. These were the days when people who liked your Page actually got to see your posts. Abstract was my thing, and the kitchen bench was my workspace. Painting by day and cooking for the family by night. It was good as I had to pack everything up by 4pm before dinner prep. It was also bad as I had to pack every thing up by 4pm before dinner prep!

Creating with molding paste and acrylic paint gave some great textures to the artwork and I really enjoyed being able to experiment. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing but I knew that it made me feel good. I didn’t know it then, but I was inviting my inner child to come out and play. An opportunity to be vulnerable, to experiment, to be messy and most of all open up to joy. Selling the art was an extra bonus. At that point in time, I was fully intending to return to the workforce. This was my self-indulgent fun, not a career. Everyone knows that you can’t make money from art….right?

Let’s discuss pushing through the ugly. Every artist knows that all paintings go through an ugly stage. Ugly parts of a painting, ugly parts of life. Same, same but different. It’s one thing to push through the ugly supported and a completely different thing pushing through the ugly on your own. Unfortunately, in 2011, there were not a lot of resources for Stomach cancer patients. I had to look overseas to find groups, and through that, I found other Australians who were going through similar experiences as myself.

Pushing through the ugly gets you out of your comfort zone. I couldn’t find the resources I needed to support myself, so I created one. I called it Support Group for Partial and Total Gastrectomy Patients and later changed the name to Gastrectomy Connections. Through the 12 years I administered the group along with a handful of volunteers, I connected with people all over the world. It became (and still is) an invaluable resource for many people heading into gastric surgery because of cancer or health-related gastrointestinal issues. A few years later, a sister group was started, and between us, we created a combined community of around 3 thousand members. Two years ago, I hung up my admin hat and handed the website and group over to a large not-for-profit in the States. Sometimes, you get to create something that grows so much larger than you, and then it’s your job to let it go, and that’s exactly what I did.

As the saying goes, ‘You grow through what you go through.’ Whether that is a new skill or a life-changing experience, the more you work at it, the more you learn. I really believe that it helped open me up to a more diverse and wider perspective on life, people, and how I viewed the world. If it wasn’t for my cancer, I would not have been prepared for what life had in store for me. It was the groundwork for everything that was to come.

Image Ref : Michelle Potter Artist 2024

The Power of Art as Therapy Part 3- A Sense of Control  Unequivocally Me 2.0

The Power of Art as Therapy Part 3- A Sense of Control Unequivocally Me 2.0

When I taught pastel art classes, I would divide beginner students into two categories: bakers and quilters. Like the ‘Pastel Whisperer,’ I would know within minutes what someone’s preferred style of drawing was. It was like a magic trick!

Remember the Swedish chef from the muppets? He would appear to have a plan but by the end of the scene he would have flour all over the place! This Baker type of artist doesn’t mind creative play (mess), and are usually happy to do some free-styling . They generally listen for a short time before the temptation of starting the drawing takes over. By the time we are ready to go they are already in their own creative flow. Call it impatience or intuition (probably a bit of both), these artists love colour, the more the better. They are less likely to procrastinate over mistakes, rather, learning to fix things as they go. They may love or hate what they create, but have fun getting there. Most first time bakers are remarkably surprised at what they can achieve.

Then there is a Quilter artist. These artists love step by step instructions. They listen intently, and if they could follow a PDF and a power point presentation at the same time, even better! They will only use the colours I suggest, give or take a shade, and they love symmetry. They like to be precise and don’t necessarily want to look outside the box, they want to draw the box. They like to envision the outcome. They replace spontaneity with perfectionism, and stumbling blocks are as red as stop signs. If a quilter makes a mistake it takes a lot of self control not start again. They create their best work if given the space and time to complete the task, which in a class environment can be tricky. They are very critical of their own work and can have a great deal of trouble getting out of their own heads. Satisfied but knowing they can do better next time, most quilters underestimate how good their first pastel painting is.

The good news is a baker can refine their art like a quilter and a quilter can loosen up and become a bit more of a baker. All both types of beginner artists need is a willingness to learn. Just add all the P’s into the mix, patience, perseverance, persistence and practice! In case you haven’t guessed already, I started off as a baker!

I always loved art days and my art teacher Mrs Lewis. We would wear our little art smocks and walk up the corridor in two lines. The smell of clag (pasty white glue) and student paint became the most exciting part of my week. A room where I could escape into another world for a while.

I remember a day we were all drawing in class. Pretty sure I was drawing a Toby mug. My horrible stepdad was an avid collector and had made our family room look more like a museum when he moved all his stuff in. I remember being terribly proud of what I’d done. When I put my hand up to let my teacher know I’d finished I was beaming with pride. I thought for sure she was going to tell me how good it was. Instead she did what no art teacher should ever do. She got her pencil and without asking she drew on my paper. A line here and a line there she managed to destroyed my art. Well I exaggerate, she probably didn’t destroy it however at the time I was left feeling really angry and disappointed.

I had spent all class on this piece and in my eyes she’d managed to ruin it with a few pencil lines. This day I learned that it is NEVER okay to touch someone else’s work without asking for their permission first.

As frustrating as it can be, part of the learning process is to fix things (obviously under instruction if you are in a learning environment) by yourself. Some students prefer help but I really encourage them to do it themselves just as Lynn mentored me. Not many people are born with amazing natural talent. If you want to become a good artist you need to train your ‘artists’ eyes to see things that muggles can’t! Encouraging and instructing a student rather that ‘fixing’ their work leaves them with a much better sense of self satisfaction and accomplishment. Frustration and pushing through the ugly stages of a painting is part of the process.

When I picked up that first pastel in Lynn’s class I was overwhelmed with everything that I needed to learn. One thing I had to remember was I was a beginner and we all have to start somewhere. All too often beginners compare their start to someone else’s finish and I was no different.

The baker artist in me had to slow down. I needed to be patient and kind to myself. I had to listen, practice and learn the basics. Similarly I had to slow down and learn how to eat again after my stomach cancer surgery. Everything needed to be chopped down into achievable bite-size pieces. In fact when I first got home for hospital all I could manage was an ice cube tray portion at a time. Literally, my life was reflected in art.

My biggest inner battle was knowing I had been gifted this second chance at life and I didn’t want to waste a precious moment by slowing down. Could I ever put my fear aside always knowing that the other foot could drop? Maybe there was more to this art stuff than I had thought.

One of the big lessons I learned through my first cancer was there was very little I could control. I had to lean into trust and become as vulnerable as I had ever been. My art however gave me a sense of self that I had never experienced. I was healing, discovering and opening myself up to a different type of vulnerability. It felt odd to find joy amongst so much turmoil and suffering. It helped me regain some control and focus while my body no longer cooperated with me, as my friendships had a huge overhaul and my grief spilled over. My anger and sadness about what was being taken away from me started to disappear with the kilos.

Discovering my new normal was like leaning how to walk all over again and was the hardest and most difficult recoveries I have ever had to endure. Learning a new skill that I could control was a blessing during some of my darkest days.

Image Ref: https://themuppets.tumblr.com/post/150975848319/so-you-know-the-swedish-chef-makes-his-famous
The Power of Art as Therapy Part 1 – Transformation and Growth – Unequivocally Me 2.0

The Power of Art as Therapy Part 1 – Transformation and Growth – Unequivocally Me 2.0

I didn’t specifically mean to go down a pathway of art as therapy and a form of healing; rather, it found me.

It was 2012, and I was still in recovery from my stomach cancer. My life as I knew it had been turned on its head. In a parallel universe, I’m sure I was enjoying motherhood and socialising, and my hopes of finding myself again included rejoining the workforce. This timeline, however, looked very different.

I started back up again at a weekly women’s circle, and my circle mentor suggested that I try pastel drawing. Up until now, I had only ever played with abstract acrylic art, and I dabbled with some cartoons. My mum was the artist in the family, not me!

Side note: In truth, when I first started Circle in August 2009, my interests were mainly focused on developing my psychic abilities. As it turned out, this was not a class about chakras, crystals or the paranormal. Most weeks were spent peeling off layer after layer of belief and societal patterns, fears, religious dogma and lifetimes of karmic dross. I learned a lot about myself during these years, and it had its time and place in my life, but by August 2017, I was grateful when the spotlight didn’t fall on me on a Monday night. There was a moment when I knew in my heart that it was time to step out of Circle. It had been brewing for a while, and one thing I knew for sure was I shouldn’t feel worse when I left than when I entered. It had become a toxic environment for me. It is an interesting reflection knowing that Circle itself became something that I needed to let go of.

Lynn Whitty (Shiona as she is known in the Spirit Art World) became my art mentor for many years after 2012. I remember getting my first packet of mungyo soft pastels and driving myself to her then home in Springvale (southeast of Melbourne). She had the most amazing acrylic painting, which had been an Archibald entry, hung at her front door. I stood there in awe and thought to myself, ‘ One day, I want to be able to paint like that.’

Lyn is a bright and colourful character. Her modern hairstyle, funky glasses, and laugh make her stand out in any crowd. The room she taught from had a room full of easels. It was warm and cozy, with years of pastel dust staining the carpet. I felt instantly comfortable. As several other ladies came in, chatting, mingling and settling down with cups of tea, Lynn asked what I wanted to get out of class. I stated “I can’t draw animals and I can’t draw people.” Boy, was I wrong!

My first drawing was of a man in a green cape with a wolf. It was pretty two dimensional, and his eyes were a little close set, but considering I had never used soft pastels before, I was really proud of what I had achieved.

Something shifted in me during that first lesson. I realised I was capable of much more than I had imagined. Getting through stomach cancer and surgery had mostly been out of my control. I had to hand my life over to other people. I had to trust that the doctors, surgeons and specialists did what they were trained to do.

There were many lessons in there for me, including that of letting go and being more vulnerable than I had ever been in my life. This ‘creating space’, however, was a place that was just mine. A place where my inner child could learn and play.

My inner child! Of course, I had been neglecting her. I had all this grown-up, responsible stuff to do. From the age of 6, when I lost my father to bowel cancer, I became the responsible one. My childhood had been cruelly snatched out from under me, and now, with the help of my cancer, I had a chance to embrace her again.

This time, she could be encouraged, nurtured and supported, and I realised it was my job to give her the time and effort she needed to flourish. I was starting to really understand the meaning of gratitude and abundance. My vulnerability had opened up possibilities. It created a place for growth and transformation, so that is what I chose.

If I could get through stage 3 cancer, then my life, as I knew it, had already jumped tracks. What did I have to lose? The worst that could happen is that I could fail dismally. But how was I ever going to know unless I gave it a go?

My Wednesday mornings became my ritualistic art day. I set up a small easel at home in our family room and I worked at my craft every single day. This was the beginning of my art as therapy.

 

 

Lets Start At The Beginning – Unequivocally Me 2.0

Lets Start At The Beginning – Unequivocally Me 2.0

Hello and welcome to my Substack

Some of you may have been following me through my website or blogger posts, ‘ Unequivocally Me’.  I have decided to move onto this platform as it is a little more flexible regarding features.  At the moment, all my content will be free, and I may, down the track, have some additional reads for subscribers only.

I thought I would reintroduce myself to those who don’t know me or would like to get reacquainted.

My name is Michelle, and I am a full time Artist from Melbourne, Australia.  I have been married for 20 years and have two children.  I am also a step-mum to my husband’s girls since they were teeny tiny.   I have had many professions throughout my lifetime and discovered the ‘artist within’ when I was diagnosed with stomach cancer at the age of 39 in 2011.  Due to the nature of my surgery and recovery, I had to relearn how to do many things, including what life was going to look like with a few missing organs.

Travelling through the last 13 years has been an enormous learning experience.  I have gained an unfathomable amount of knowledge about how my body works, what I am truly capable of and how critical kindness and community is.  It has been nothing short of a colossal initiation into what my life should have always been.  I thought I had it licked!  Number 13, lucky for some and all that.   Well, the Universe wasn’t entirely done with me.

The same week I was sharing my cancerversary on socials, I was heading back in for scans as part of my yearly cancer screening. You guessed it, pancreatic cancer. I can’t say I was surprised as my fatigue had hit an all-time high.   Fortunately for me, my spider senses were already tingling. I’d started working with a dietitian and a diabetic educator in October 2022 and was only a few weeks away from seeing an endocrinologist.  I knew my body was up to something, and I made sure my concerns were being heard.

This diagnosis has come with some new challenges, as well as circling back over some old trauma just to make sure I’d learned my lessons.  I have come away from the experience with a renewed sense of wisdom and understanding, and amongst the chaos, there has been my constant – art.

My intention with this blog is to share what I have been through and how I have navigated the trickier parts of life.  How my use of creativity and art has had the power to heal, inspire, and transform me. By sharing my journey and experiences with art as therapy, I hope to inspire others to embark on their own path of self-discovery and healing through creative expression.

My purpose is to live an authentic life. I want to continue to support and empower others just by being me.  We can all harness the healing power of art to navigate life’s challenges.

I hope you’ll join me.

Michelle xx

If you are reading this blog from my website please consider subscribing to my free content over on Substack.

Another Bumpy Ride

Another Bumpy Ride

Hello My Arty Friends,

If you are not connected to my socials you may not be aware that on the 24th July 2023 I was diagnosed with early stage pancreatic cancer.  I remember clearly writing about my previous stomach cancer experiences and how my perception of time changed. Hearing the ‘C’ work again after 12 years was like watching two cars collide in slow motion, only this time I felt like I was observing the accident rather that sitting behind the steering wheel.  I love explaining things in metaphors, so let’s call this ‘the 2nd baby’. Anyone that has experienced childbirth knows that no matter what anyone tells you first time around, nothing can actually prepare you for parenthood.  Second time around you know what’s coming and even though the experience maybe similar there will be new lessons because no second baby is ever like the first baby!

In 2019 I wrote a letter to my past-self which I will share some part of. It tells a grueling tale of what I would have said to myself knowing what I know now. The lows and highs of cancer. The sadness, grief, hope and gratefulness all mixed up in a messy soup of medical appointments. The weight loss, the hair loss, the friend loss. The additional financial burden that’s placed on a family and the lack of support and understanding that the primary Carer suffers.  I soon worked out that a wig only made other people feel comfortable, so the night I decided not to wear one to a school open night was met with awkward stares and parents avoiding eye contact to avoid conversations.  The absolute clincher was a school mum’s jesting, calling me a ‘skinny bitch’ post-surgery.  I assured her that she could also be as thin as me if she was prepared to go through the same thing.  Some people are soooooo inappropriate!

‘You are going to lose a lot of weight and I mean a lot. You are probably going to kick yourself for wishing you could lose weight.  You got your wish but not the way you thought it was going to happen.   You know those chubby cheeks, those voluptuous breasts and wobbly belly you hate so much when you look in the mirror – you are going to lose it all.  In fact, by the time you have finished you are going to have to change everything in your wardrobe, even your shoes.  It was nice at first but when those curves that define you as a woman start to disappear even you will be shocked at your appearance.  You will actually walk past a window and smile at the person looking back at you because for a split second you didn’t realize it was a reflection and you didn’t recognize the girl looking back was you. ‘

Reading back through that letter it is clear how much I have grown and I’m not the only one. The level of support provided by the hospital has improved so much over the last decade that I honestly don’t know how I managed it all by myself the first time around.  This second diagnosis has been challenging for my husband and children who, once again, have to watch me go through more treatment, surgery and 12 to 18 months of recovery.  I honestly have no idea what life looks like on the other side of this, but I have some comfort in knowing that although this is another high mortality cancer, we caught this one early.  It certainly doesn’t mean that I’m out of the woods, but it does give me more options due to early cancer screening.

As this tumour is in my pancreas and not my colon the recommended treatment has to be privately funded.  My family needs to raise $61,000 in order to pay for a ‘mismatch repair deficiency cancer’ that decided to grow in a non-government funded organ.  This covers approximately 21 treatments and then the next two years are free of charge.  If you would like to help us financially I have started a GoFundMe page where you can donate.  If you prefer to own some of my artwork you can support me by purchasing through my shop.

If you would like to know a little more about the science, here is some information regarding Lynch Syndrome and its associated cancers along with information regarding Keytruda which is the immunotherapy treatment I have been put on.

Lynch syndrome (previously known as HNPCC) is an inherited genetic mutation which gives people an increased chance of developing certain cancers across their lifetime, often at a younger age than the general population (i.e. before 50 years of age). 

These cancers include, but are not limited to:

  • Bowel cancer*
  • Endometrial cancer (lining of the uterus)*
  • Ovarian cancer
  • Stomach cancer
  • Hepatobiliary cancer (liver/gallbladder)
  • Urinary tract cancer
  • Kidney cancer
  • Pancreatic cancer
  • Brain cancer
  • Skin (sebaceous adenoma, sebaceous epithelioma, or sebaceous carcinoma and keratoacanthoma)
  • Small bowel cancer

https://lynchsyndrome.org.au/the-facts/what-is-lynch-syndrome/ 

Most cancers in people with an inherited MLH1 mutation will have a tumor biomarker known as “MSI-high” or “MSI-H” (microsatellite instability). This biomarker indicates that the tumor has a feature known as “mismatch repair deficiency,” which is also known by the abbreviations dMMR or MMR-D. Testing tumors for mismatch repair deficiency or MSI-High can be important, because these tumors are more likely to respond to immunotherapyagents known as immune checkpoint inhibitors

 People with an MLH1 mutation may qualify for clinical trials looking for more effective treatments for cancer. Keytruda (pembrolizumab) is an immune checkpoint inhibitor used to treat metastatic or advanced colorectal cancer. 

(https://www.facingourrisk.org/info/hereditary-cancer-and-genetic-testing/hereditary-cancer-genes-and-risk/genes-by-name/mlh1/cancer-treatment# )

For the first time, Keytruda® (pembrolizumab) will have its listing extended on the PBS to include the treatment of unresectable or metastatic mismatch repair deficient colorectal cancer.

This is the first immunotherapy treatment available to Australians with this type of cancer, which cannot be removed by surgery or has spread to an area outside the colon/rectum. 

Keytruda® belongs to a new class of immunotherapy medicines that help the body’s own immune system to detect and fight cancer cells. The drug is already available on the PBS for other types of cancer, including lung cancer and melanoma.

https://www.health.gov.au/ministers/the-hon-greg-hunt-mp/media/landmark-pbs-listing-for-australians-with-bowel-cancer#:~:text=For%20the%20first%20time%2C%20Keytruda,mismatch%20repair%20deficient%20colorectal%20cancer.

A new health report from consumers reveals over 80,000 Australians, at increased risk of developing one or more often-aggressive primary cancers in their lifetime, don’t actually know that they’re at risk from a hereditary cancer gene.

Lynch Syndrome Australia Founding Director, Ms Beth Fairbank said only 5% of Australians with Lynch syndrome have been diagnosed.

“It’s imperative that people with the gene are diagnosed early in order to increase cancer prevention and early detection. 

For a person with the gene, they have a 70% chance of developing a Lynch syndrome-related cancer (including bowel, endometrium, pancreas, stomach, breast, prostate, kidney and skin cancer),” said Ms Beth Fairbank, Lynch Syndrome Australia Founding Director.

https://lynchsyndrome.org.au/australias-untold-health-story-lynch-syndrome-media-release/

This path has so many casualties. There are depths of self you have to dive into to find strength, hope and healing that only comes with a cancer diagnosis.  I am refining what is important and who I want to spend my time with.  I am relearning not to set expectations around those that show up and those that don’t. I am having to find forgiveness for things that I thought I had already forgiven and letting go of people, situations and emotions that I thought I had already released. The cycle has come back around and its time to lean back into the dis-ease so I can peel off another layer and clean house, yet again. This ascension stuff is hard work and I can only say that a cancer free body and true enlightenment will be the ultimate outcome from this experience.

 

Michelle xx